Poise and self-confidence
by Andria Glasser Das

My four-year-old daughter is a consummate girlie-girl. Just yesterday we went to buy her new
shoes. She chose pink sneakers, pink Mary Janes, and pink and purple hiking boots. Her
Halloween costume for two years running has been a fairy princess, with a pink Barbie dress
and tutu. When given the choice, she will always choose dresses over pants and she never
leaves the house without at least one hair accessory (the more the better, of course).

All of this is fine with me. What's not fine with me are some of the attitudes and behaviors that
tend to go along with being a girlie-girl-like playing the damsel-in-distress, like giving up easily
when confronted with a challenge, like asking others for help instead of trying to do things
herself, and like a demonstrable lack of physical confidence. I'm sure not all little girls with a
passion for pink fall into this pattern, but the stereotype of the helpless female is out there for
little girls to be exposed to and to incorporate into their own personalities. As parents, my
husband and I felt obligated to try and curb this tendency in our daughter and help her replace it
with something more positive.

When she turned four, we began to discuss enrolling her in some type of enrichment class. We
considered the standards: ballet, soccer, and gymnastics. I took her to a trial gymnastics class
and it was great. She did things I couldn't believe she could do-uneven bars, balance beam,
flying across the room on one of those pulley things. I thought it would be great for developing
her physical confidence. She liked it too, but the gym was too far from our house, and the closer
ones we tried she didn't like. We watched the ballet class at the rec center. She was instantly
enamored with the tutus and tights, but while I think dance is wonderful, I didn't feel it would be of
great benefit to her at this time. I took her to watch a preschool soccer class at the rec center
near our home, but she didn't like that it was taught by a man. As my daughter will tell you, she is
into "girl power" (interesting since she, a girl, was not often interested in utilizing her own
power). She requested a female pediatrician and female dentist and I obliged, feeling like they
would serve as good role models for her.

Before our kids were even born, my husband and I brainstormed about the types of
extracurricular activities we felt were important. While we agreed that music lessons were
important and religious or cultural instruction was important, what we felt most strongly about
was that our children study self-defense, especially if they were girls. Our daughter, however,
was less enthusiastic about the idea. We brought it up along with the other three, and it came in
behind ballet, which had the advantage of being girlie, and behind gymnastics, which she knew
some of her girl friends were taking. Karate did trump soccer, however, which never really stood
a chance. I thought pointing out that Buttercup, her favorite Power Puff girl, dressed as "Queen
of Kung Fu" in "Power Puff Girls Save Halloween," would add to its appeal, but I was wrong.
That was when my husband and I made a unilateral decision-our daughter was going to at least
try one Karate class.

One of the promises my daughter extracted was that I'd find her a class with a female instructor,
which I thought was a good idea anyway in terms of providing a powerful female role model.
Still, even with assurances that her teacher would be a "girl" and that the kids would all be little,
like her, she was very apprehensive. As we walked into Dawn Barnes Karate Kids, my daughter
was terrified. A few minutes before class, her teacher, Sensei Kim Fuchs came over to
introduce herself to my daughter. Sensei Kim was young and enthusiastic, welcoming and of
course, a girl. With assurances that she could come out to see me whenever she needed, my
daughter reluctantly lined up at the entrance to the dojo (the room where the classes take place),
bowed as instructed and started class while I watched from the waiting area. They started with
warm up exercises and stretching and my daughter was doing great, but I could see the tension
on her face. It wasn't long before she looked at me pleadingly and indicated she needed to
come out. I hugged her and told her how great she was doing and then sent her back in.

The class was amazing. Sensei Kim was endlessly energetic, engaging, encouraging and
positive. The atmosphere was fun yet very controlled. Talking and other distracting behavior was
not tolerated, yet it happened so seldom it was almost a non-issue. The warm-up exercises
were followed by drills in blocking, punching and kicking. All the children clap for their
classmates, showing them support and respect. Then came what was instantly my daughter's
favorite part of the class- Animal Cards and Meditation. In an exercise inspired by Native
American culture, each child received an animal card and they discussed what positive
attributes that animal possessed (speed, smarts, etc.) and were encouraged to incorporate that
characteristic into themselves. Then they each selected a "treasure" stone and meditated on the
"power" of their particular stone (for example, "beautiful outside and strong inside). To see a
group of 4 and 5 year olds with their eyes closed, deep in meditation was truly amazing.
Afterwards, Sensei Kim set up an obstacle course and turned on the music and the kids
jumped, climbed, balanced, rolled, crawled, kicked and blocked, practicing their skills. When it
was time to clean up the apparatus, the kids practically fell over each other to collect things and
turn them in to Sensei Kim. The children were regularly reminded that the first rule of Karate is
"always try your best."
I think my daughter came out for hugs two more times during that first class, but after receiving
tons of kudos and a "Try Your Best" sticker from Sensei Kim at the end of class, she ran out of
the dojo beaming with pride, saying she loved Karate. At that point, however, I think her love of
Karate had more to do with her taking a fancy to the Gi (uniform), particularly to the Rainbow
Warriors patch all the kids had sewn onto their Gi (her favorite color is "rainbow"). Although she
did well in the class and was loudly professing her affinity for Karate, I was reluctant to sign her
up and make the financial commitment on the basis of that first class. The dojo manager
graciously offered for my daughter to come back for a second free trial, just to be sure this was
something she would stick with.

When we got home, my daughter offered to fold the laundry, something she occasionally enjoys
helping with for a short period of time and then abandons. This time however, she wanted to do
it all by herself and she finished an entire heaping basket, down to the last washcloth. She also
picked up all her toys from the living room floor without being asked. Hmm… That was
interesting.

As I anticipated, the morning of the second trial found my daughter less than thrilled at the
prospect of Karate class. She was pretty terrified and when we got to Karate Kids and said she
didn't want to go into class. After watching for a few minutes and with the promise of a dinner of
hot dogs and fries for participating, she grudgingly entered the dojo only to come out for a hug
minutes later. I got her to go back in, but before long she wanted to come out again. This time I
motioned for her to stay in. Somewhat against her will, she stayed in for the remainder of the
class but again was buoyant when class was over. I decided against signing her up that day. I
wanted her (and me) to think it over before we committed.
Over the next week, I could not stop raving to my husband about the class. I felt my daughter
would improve her reflexes, coordination and strength while developing a sense of her own
physical and mental power. I could see that this was the best thing for her in terms of developing
her self-confidence. Many years ago, before I had children, I took a women's self-defense
course offered by my employer. It was one of those full contact classes, where the teacher wore
a helmet and padding. We were instructed to yell "No!" when we struck him, as loudly as
possible to give power to our blows. Never having been one of those demure, lady-like ladies,
and coming, as I do, from a long line of yellers, I had no difficulty with this task. I was amazed,
however, at how many women could not bring forth a voice louder than a feeble squeak. These
same women, when striking the padded assailant, would do the stereotypical, limp-wristed,
girlie slap. No power in their voices, no power in their bodies. How had so many of these
women lost their power? If they were in a situation where they had to fight for their safety, could
they generate the power to defend themselves, or their children? I don't think so. There is
something in our culture that depowers women in ways more fundamental than low pay and
glass ceilings. It is the same thing that gives my daughter the idea that "damsel in distress" is a
fun role for her to play. At four, it's just a role. At thirty, it will be a way of life.

The impression these women made on me has stayed with me all these years and I vowed not
to let my daughters lose their voices or their power. I feel that taking Karate, starting at an early
age, is a step in the right direction.

I would have figured in this age of empowerment, lots of people would feel as I do and enroll
their daughters in Karate. However, Renee Herman, co-manager of the Santa Monica Karate
Kids was able to find out for me that of the nearly 400 kids enrolled at that location (Karate Kids
also has schools in Encino and Calabasas), only about a quarter are girls. In the youngest class,
Tiger Tots, the percentage of girls is about the same, just about 25% of the 186 students. In my
daughter's class, she's the only girl, which seems to be fine with her.

I wondered to myself, what the barriers might be for parents to think about Karate for their
daughters as often as they think of ballet or tap. Perhaps some parents feel that the competitive
nature of martial arts would be intimidating for their daughters. This is definitely not the case at
Karate Kids. Sensei Dawn Barnes, owner of Karate Kids and herself a 3rd degree black belt in
Shotokan Karate, says "Girls especially feel comfortable in our school because our method of
teaching is positive and uplifting (not combative and competitive), so they feel safe and happy
to be here." "Girls can achieve a sense of personal excellence just as readily as a boy taking
martial arts as the success is based upon individual accomplishment." She explains that "at
Dawn Barnes Karate Kids our instruction is "love-based" using a teaching method called
"Positive Dialog Response". Every effort a child makes is validated with positive feedback.
Even if a student does something "wrong", the effort is acknowledged and then a correction
made by speaking in the affirmative. It is our responsibility as teachers to make sure each child
feels uplifted after every class." And they really do. My daughter leaves every class glowing.

In the week following the second trial class, my daughter wavered about whether or not she
wanted to continue going to Karate. With the exception of things really not open to discussion
(safety, hygiene, nutrition, family harmony), my husband and I are not in the habit of pulling rank
on our children and "making them" do things they don't want to do. However, we felt so strongly
about the benefits of this Karate class, we made an executive decision to sign our daughter up
for the class and that she would go, every week, for a period of time (to be determined by us),
whether or not she wanted to go. When we informed her of this decision, she actually seemed
relieved. Parenting epiphany #243 - kids don't always want the responsibility of making choices.

It has been three months since that first trial class and the changes in my daughter have been
profound. She has shown more interest in helping around the house -- cleaning, setting the
table, helping her sister off with her shoes and on with her diaper. At Karate Kids, they talk a lot
to the students about "good spirit," and I've been able to use that as a motivator for my
daughter. On the way home from a playdate that continued into my younger daughter's naptime,
my overtired little one could not stop screaming and crying. She then focused her misery on
wanting my older daughter's mermaid doll, which the big one was not inclined to surrender. I
asked my older one to give the doll to my little one and she refused. I told her she did not have to
give it up, but that it would really show "good spirit" if she did. Though she wasn't gracious about
it, she did give the doll to her sister and was heartily praised for her good spirit.

The most profound change since beginning Karate has to do with my daughter's willingness to
persist in the face of a challenge. She has unfortunately inherited my husband's fear of heights,
which manifests itself in a "scary, wiggly" feeling. One of the playgrounds we frequent has an
observation tower with a spiral staircase and the first time we attempted the tower my older
daughter became terrified about a quarter of the way up and began screaming and crying. For
the next several visits to the park, the offending tower was ignored. Around this time, my
daughter began Karate. Once the initial apprehension about class disappeared at around four
weeks, we visited the park again and my daughter spontaneously volunteered to attempt the
tower. She made it about halfway up before her fear got the best of her and she needed to climb
down. She got a lot of praise from me about "trying her best" and facing her fears. The next visit
to the park the same thing happened and again she got kudos for trying. On the third visit she
climbed all the way to the top, and though she did a fair amount of clinging to my leg, she was
able to stay at the top of the tower for some time enjoying the view. This was just one example of
the many things my daughter has chosen to persist in even in the face of difficulty since
beginning class at Karate Kids.

It may seem hard to imagine that such fundamental changes could result merely from taking an
enrichment course, but not when you consider the philosophy on which Karate Kids is based.
The program was conceived not just as a martial arts school but as a "Life Skills School" where
they "focus on teaching the "whole" child," explains Sensei Dawn. "They learn about fitness,
understanding moral values, and living within social guidelines. We constantly ask the children
to demonstrate important LIFE SKILLS, such as, PATIENCE, FOCUS, RESPECT, KINDNESS,
AND HONESTY. We remind them that these skills must be used everyday, not just in karate
class, but at home and at school as well."
Recently my daughter celebrated her belated fourth birthday. She chose to have her party at
Karate Kids with Sensei Kim presiding. When she first said she wanted to have her party there,
I wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The honoree is "Sensei for the Day," and has to teach
along with the real Sensei. Since my daughter often gets nervous and freezes when put on the
spot or expected to perform, I had my reservations about this arrangement. I felt it might be too
much pressure for her. She insisted this was what she wanted, and my husband reminded me
not to put restrictions on her that she wasn't putting on herself.

We did the party and not only did she have a great time, she was brilliant as Sensei. She has
taken the role to heart and is teaching everyone (her sister, her friends, their parents, my
husband's office mate) her Karate moves. Last week she tested for her first yellow belt. She
was so focused and so serious yet composed. She was tested not only on the physical
components of Karate (her blocks, kicks and punches), but on the mental (she needed to
translate "Karate," "dojo," and "Sensei"), and the spiritual as well (needing to know concepts
like "try your best," and showing others respect and good spirit). When she opened her eyes
after demonstrating her meditation technique and was presented her first yellow belt, her pride
was nearly tangible. For a kid who previously had only stuck with things that were naturally easy
for her, she had now had her first experience of the joy of accomplishment that can only come
from sticking with something that wasn't easy.

My hope, of course, is that Karate is something my daughter will stick with for a long time to
come and that by the time she is a teenager she will have the poise and self-confidence that
comes with many years of studying martial arts. Even if that doesn't happen, I'm sure that the
wonderful life lessons she is learning now will stay with her and continue to direct and enrich her
life. I hope that more parents of young girls will consider enrolling their daughters in a martial
arts class. Empowerment needs to start early and start at home. When I hear my daughter yell a
loud and powerful "Ki-aii" as she's practicing her Karate moves, I know my decision to keep her
in class may be the very thing that ensures that she'll never lose her voice.

All Little Girls Need Poise and Self-Confidence